Hello there! I am Cody Mascho and I will be one of your tour guides to the City of Geek! Geeks come in many different styles and while my main geeky loves are Horror, Comics and Video Games believe it or not my first love was sports. So in honor of the NFL kicking off tonight I thought I’d give a quick run down of the teams and some predictions for some Sports loving geeks like me!
- Denver Broncos: Going to likely be another rough year in the Mile High City as they lost out on the Kirk Cousins frenzy and settled on one year wonder Case Keenum. 5-7 wins and another wasted year of great defense.
- Kansas City Chiefs: After trading QB Alex Smith and deciding to start 2nd year QB Patrick Mahomes the Chiefs enter uncertain territory this season. Mahomes looks good but a terrible KC defense likely puts them in the cellar this season and I think their ceiling is 6 wins but 6 million pounds of Uncrustables for Andy Reid.
- Los Angeles Chargers: The division is the Chargers to love this year as they boast a solid D led by Joey Bosa and an explosive offense led by potential HOF candidate Phillip Rivers. I’m thinking 10-12 wins and a playoff berth for the Bolts this year.
- Oakland Raiders: Jon Gruden signed a 10 year 100 million dollar deal to coach them, Jon Gruden hasn’t coached in a decade and was terrible in his final few years. Star Khalil Mack is now gone and the Raiders look to limp into Vegas a couple years from now. 5-8 wins and a lifetime of regret.
- Baltimore Ravens: QB Joe Flacco’s days appear to be numbered as heir apparent Lamar Jackson looks poised to overtake him for the starting job. New offensive weapons and a good Defense look to lead Baltimore to it’s first playoff berth in 4 years. 9-10 wins and a Wild Card berth await.
- Cincinnati Bengals: The most average QB with a coach in Marvin Lewis who should have been fired years ago spell disaster for this squad. 3-5 wins and a return to the dark ages.
- Cleveland Browns: This perennial suffering franchise seems to finally have hope after going 0-16 last year and 1-31 over the last two combined. Unfortunately Hue Jackson couldn’t coach the Patriots to a winning record. 4-5 wins and a fired Hue Jackson for the lovable losers.
- Pittsburgh Steelers: QB Roethlisberger is getting older but with weapons like Antonio Brown and Juju Smith-Schuster it’s hard to bet against this team to once again take the North. 11-13 wins and another playoff meltdown for Pittsburgh’s finest.
- Indianapolis Colts: QB Andrew Luck missed all of last year with a mysterious shoulder injury but looks to have returned to form in his Preseason appearances. Unfortunately they still haven’t acquired a supporting cast for him. 6-8 wins for the Indianapolis Andrew Lucks
- Jacksonville Jaguars: The surprise of last season, Jacksonville climbed from the gutter and rode their elite defense to a Conference Championship appearance. I’ve got them winning the South and 10 games this season.
- Houston Texans: Turns out they were correct in trading up last year to draft Deshaun Watson but unfortunately his knee exploded and their season went down the tubes. Hopefully Watson returns to form as I have them at 9 or so wins and a Wild Card berth.
- Tennessee Titans: I’m still waiting for QB Marcus Mariota to actually break out and have the MVP caliber year people keep saying he has in him. Don’t see much from them 5-6 wins for first year coach Vrabel.
- Buffalo Bills: Buffalo broke their years long playoff drought last year but they are currently starting the 5 interception wonder Nathan Peterman while trying to develop raw rookie Josh Allen. Going to be a rough year but bright future is ahead. 4 wins for 4 straight Super Bowl losses.
- Miami Dolphins: Took a mediocre team and took away a few of it’s better pieces. To the cellar! 3-4 wins.
- New York Jets: Got their franchise QB in Sam Darnold, who impressed enough he will be starting week one. No playoffs this year but next year looks good for them!
- New England Patriots: Another year, another division title under Tom Brady. 13 wins and a berth in Superbowl 53.
The AFC looks pretty similar to last year, I have it coming down to the Patriots and Jags with Tom Brady getting his 9th Superbowl appearance in Atlanta. On to the brutal looking NFC!
- Arizona Cardinals: The senior home adds brittle QB Sam Bradford and noted A-Hole Josh Rosen. Larry Fitzgerald career likely ends this year, totally wasted. 5 Wins and Sam Bradford’s exploding Kneecaps.
- Los Angeles Rams: Both the Rams and 49ers enter the season hyped up. The main difference is LA actually has the talent to back in up. High powered offense plus a murderers row Defensive line means the best record in the NFC and a Super Bowl berth. 13 wins and at least 2 dead NFC Qb’s.
- San Francisco 49ers: QB Jimmy Garropolo enters the year as the Golden boy despite painfully average stats in his backhalf run at the end of the season. Added a washed up Richard Sherman to boost a hot and cold defense. 7 wins and a still beautiful QB.
- Seattle Seahawks: Full Disclosure, I am a huge Hawks fan. That said I think this is a year of growth as the famed Legion of Boom gives way to a new generation on Defense and the offense finally built around franchise QB Russell Wilson. 8-10 wins and a surprise Wild Card berth.
- Chicago Bears: Defense looks as nasty as it was years ago when they carried Sexy Rex “Fuck it, I’m going deep” Grossman to the 2006 NFC Championship. QB Trubisky seems set to improve but Chicago faces stiff resistance in the North. 7 wins and another wasted year of Jordan Howard.
- Detroit Lions: New England coordinators have a bad track record as Head Coaches. Matt Patrica looks to buck this trend and deliver the city of Detroit a championship. Not this year however, that Defense needs a few more pieces before they can reliably be thought of as a contender. 6-8 wins and another unlucky defeat.
- Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers is back and healthy once more, they seem to have some good defensive pieces as well. Looks like another NFC North title and a deep playoff run for the Pack. 11 wins but no 2nd ring for Rodgers.
- Minnesota Vikings: Defense is nasty but can Kirk Cousins get back his mojo from his two breakout years for their offense. 10 wins and a Wild Card berth.
- Atlanta Falcons: Looking to redeem themselves after a down year for their prolific offense. I think they rebound but not enough for a playoff berth. 8 wins and 28-3 reasons why the Falcons failed.
- Carolina Panthers: By Panther law two good seasons may not be had back to back. This is a tradition as old as time. 5 wins and then 12 next year.
- New Orleans Saints: As QB Drew Brees enters his final years he finally seems to have a solid defense behind him and two world class running backs to support the offense. NFC North champions and a deep run in the playoffs. 12 wins and none of Drew Brees shitty Multilevel Marketing Product.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jameis Winston is a sex offender and should not be on the field. This team deserves no preview for supporting this.
- Dallas Cowboys: A whole year of Zeke in the backfield won’t mean much with Dak Prescott regressing at the QB position like he is. 5 wins and 5 times Jerry Jones racism.
- New York Giants: Drafting a running back before addressing the QB need is a curious choice but the team feels Eli Manning can still go. Expect big things from their offense. 7 wins and a sense of buyers remorse.
- Philadelphia Eagles: The defending champs enter the year with an improved defense and Starting QB Carson Wentz expected back by Week 4, expect another deep playoff run after he shakes some rust off. 11 wins and 11 million rioting Eagles fans.
- Washington Redskins: Traded for an aging Alex Smith but gave him no weapons and a core of mediocrity. Prepare for a high draft pick DC. 3-4 wins and hopefully a less racist team name.
So in the NFC I have it boiling down to the Rams and Saints with LA heading to it’s first Superbowl since moving back.
My official pick is Patriots vs. Rams in the Super Bowl with the crushing defense and high octane offense of the Rams crushing the life out of Tom Brady and company. Prepare yourselves NFL, I witnessed the power of the Rams and their brutal murder of the Seahawks last year. They’re coming and they’re soul crushingly good.