Posted by Tarot; 2024; Rated PG-13; 93m; Written & Directed by Spenser Cohen & Anna Halberg, from the novel “Horrorscope” by Nicolas Adams. Starring Jacob Batalan, Avantika, Olwin Fouere.
Just how utterly generic and rote is Tarot? In order to not completely zone out from the sheer nothing of the film, about halfway through I stood up and paced around the other-than-me-empty auditorium.
There’s nothing wrong with a low-stakes, low-scare basic film as an entry point to the genre for those dipping their toes into genre – or at least taking their first date out to a “scary” movie. I enjoyed Wish Upon. Truth or Dare has some moments. Even this year’s Imaginary, another ultra generic flick, has a Nightmare on Elm Street inspired 3rd act and some solid ideas even if not done very well. Tarot, directed by Spencer Cohen & Anna Halberg, brings nothing to the table.
It has become a trope of my writing to note that tropes are alright, if they are presented in interesting matters that elevate past the standard material. Frustratingly, Tarot only features one scene that almost breaks into something more interesting (if not heavily cribbing from James Wan’s style), with the rest dully plodding through its 93 minutes.
Absolutely nothing comes together, leading to a leaden runtime that feels stretched to forever.
So, what are we working with? We open with seven college students (who might as well be named Boys 1 through 3 and Girls 1 through 4 with how well anything about them sticks) drinking around a campfire in a scene with writing so strangely parsed and worded it sounds as if it was written by ChatGPT. While credited to the directors, based upon the 1992 book “Horrorscope” by Nicolas Adams (I’ve been told the book’s plot is very different), the whole feels so standard I would believe you if the whole of Tarot is the result of an AI prompt.
Very awkward.
These students have rented a giant mansion in the middle of the Catskills for a weekend getaway. Out of booze, they break into a basement on the hunt for where the owners might keep their personal stash. Instead of more Samuel Adams, they find a basement borrowed from the Warrens’ treasure trove of haunted objects (don’t expect more about this basement of mystery, you won’t be fulfilled). If this was Cabin in the Woods’s Basement O’ Cursed Objects, they picked the worst talisman. Sorry, dude, no merman this year. Instead you get The Astrologer and her basically designed, CG heavy creatures based on Tarot cards – The Hanged Man, The Fool, The Devil, Death (but not for you, Gunslinger), and others. They look like the “this known thing but slightly spookified” type of masks at Spirit. Pale with slightly exaggerated features and big smiles.
Girl #1 says she’s read the Tarot about 30 times to try to change the fate of her dying mom but I don’t believe her as her method of reading matches nothing I’ve ever seen, reads everyone. Thus providing Very Obvious Set-Ups for later, along with the one-line character notes from the auditions. Then the rest of the movie is just as expected. A series of sequences of the characters on their own facing off against their card. Dark figures in the background, strange noise, dark figure gone. Figure in front, flashes close. SCREAMS AT THE CAMERA. Repeat a few times until character has died in a manner that matches what Girl #1 said (at times it nearly comes to a Final Destination sort). THEN MONSTER SCREAMS AT THE CAMERA AGAIN WHILE RUNNING AT IT!
Oooh, scary.
Other characters find out and barely react (the line readings feel like timing rehearsals, they are so bland). Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Let’s not forget the exposition break halfway. With a groan from the audience (read: only me) they do the “basic google search to find the site that tells them exactly what they need along with a road trip to a learned person (Olwyn Fouere) who knows all about it.” They repeat many times “the cards are coming true!” as if they just had the realization (me: “um yeah, you established this. You know this, what?”) They do dumb things to create the next sequence, all of which go and on doing the same thing, they make logic leaps to get to the end.
And it ends and we’re free. I’m convinced I did a reading with “The Bore” while drunk at Crypticon and forgot. Tarot is a frustrating nothing. If I may continue my grousing, Tarot also uses the annoying “light only goes three feet from a source, if anyone turns on a light at all” thing that is apparently meant to create a tone, but just makes me scream TURN ON THE LIGHT, NO ONE DOES THIS. Filmmakers, stop doing this, it immediately breaks viewers right out of the movie. I was also distracted by the strangely empty Boston they live in. School, hospitals, even subway stations. There is not a single other soul to be seen, anywhere. Except for two cops in a very incongruous scene that highlights how little emotion the characters are giving compared in light of the events, they interact with no one else. Pay for at least a few extras.
Usually I have something positive to share. For comparison to the low end of 2024, Imaginary had a wild third act and Betty Buckley’s Aunt Martha in Sleepaway Camp Energy. Night Swim had Wyatt Russell and Kerry Condon. Madame Web was laugh out loud in it’s awfulness. Sorry, Tarot, I have nothing to draw from. Terrible performances from Jacob Batalan, Avantina and the rest, working from a feels-generated script, with base monsters, repetitive scare sequences make Tarot a long 93 minutes.
By the way, I took 3000 steps.
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